Getting killed

Well, dunno what to say really, I'm getting absolutely smoked online. I can't put together a winning session for the life of me, no matter how hard I try. I feel so impatient, but I'm trying as hard as possible to play the best poker I can. Honestly, my confidence is at an all-time low. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost I have no idea if I'm being outplayed or running bad or playing bad or what. It feels like I'm running absolutely horribly, but that is what everyone thinks when they're losing.

I can tell you one thing: my sets are getting destroyed and that really hurts in Hold'Em.

Ever since I started reading the book "The Poker Mindset", I've just been getting whacked. Freakin' curse is what that is. The book itself was okay. If you have tilt issues, bankroll management issues, or if you're an idiot who says lots of stupid things at a poker table and you don't know your ass from your head, then this book is definitely for you. If you're a reasonably solid player who understands the ups and downs of poker and the dangers of tilt, then you'll just be reading stuff you know, but in long form.

Anyway, I don't feel like blabbing about all my stupid losing, so i'll just do a quick run through since my last update.

First session was on Tilt, just 5/10. I started good and then got absolutely smoked for a very short period (just insane cooler after cooler), then I had to quit. Fun. Here is the ugly-ass graph. Down $3.5k plus another $400 not on graph.

Then I followed up with a small win on Party. Here are some hands:

http://www.pokerhand.org/?1439464 - after the showdown I really felt like I missed some value. I can probably double up here. I had a suspicion he was bluffing the turn, so i went with that (and of course, there are a lot of hands beating me too). I kicked myself after, but I don't think I mind this play much.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1439448 - love losing with sets, nice turn! love turning that set. Hey...how about pairing the %!$?$$?*&$?! board for me? one time! I've had about 10 sets flopped on me tonight. This was my first. I'm not bitter at all.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1439462 - couldn't really explain it, but I had a great feeling on this one. Snapcall.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1439467 - geezus, so coolered again. I swear 3-betting pre-flop for me is cursed. I guarantee this hand goes identical if he has any Ax, anything but AT. Gah, I thought I was gold and getting paid off this hand. I hate stacking off with one pair.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1439523 - gah, come on! THIS is the fish at the table. He has been donating to everyone with moronic plays and bad bluffs and then he hits this on me. Wow. I'm sure he'll be bust within 2 more rotations. I almost check/called this river to let him bluff, guess I should have. If you seen this guy play you wouldn't have folded on the river raise either (against a lot of other guys, it's foldable).

Then, I went on a mega 10 minute super-heater, I didn't even have time to log any hands I was hitting so much (I don't feel like looking them up now). No suckouts, just standard stuff all holding up. It felt weird being on a heater again, but it didn't last long and I got coolered a couple more times and only ended up $1.2k. Graph here.

Besides that I played a mini-session on Party, got up $1k, then had KK run into a maniac's AA and ended up down a few hundred. I also lost another $1,650 in heads-up SNGs, and $555 in a 9-player SNG (bubbled of course). I think I have to put $500+ SNGs on the shelf for a while, they're just costing me money left and right. I think I just have to admit I'm getting outplayed, especially heads-up. It sure as shit doesn't feel like it, I just feel like I'm running bad, but I think I might be wrong. I'm just going to stop playing them for a good while.

That brings me to tonight. I had $2000 on Hollywood and I can't deposit anymore there because my moneybookers outgoing transaction limit is reached and it won't allow me more for at least 2 months. I really have no way of transferring around money without it (besides trading with people but hardly anyone in Winnipeg has lots of money on multiple sites).

Anyway, I decided to slam the $2k on a $25/$50 table against a super-aggro guy. I played him strong for a while, then I missed out on calling a big river bluff of his. Gah, it was so obvious. He checked the flop and the turn, then check-raised me on the turn, then pounded all-in on river. This guy was too aggro to EVER check the flop AND turn with a made hand, no matter what, and I knew that. I pussied out and couldn't call him with 2nd pair even though I called the raise with it on the turn (though I had a draw too). I really kicked myself for this, it was so obviously a bluff (he showed which confirmed it). Stupid. Then, of course, soon after I got half my stack in pre-flop with AQ vs his K9 and he outflopped me and I was done. Fairwell Hollywood Poker, it really WASN'T fun.

I then jumped on Party and played a bunch of 5/10. I started good again and was up almost $3k (wasn't saving hands, but nothing very interesting). Then the same old:

http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450639 - i just really thought he was drawing, turned out it was a big draw and he nails it. But wait! Just as I lose that pot I flop a set on another table, see next hand.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450635 - great. another T8 suckout. Wow, he pays the price for this draw. We have $400 freakin' dollars left on the river. Geezus. Sort of hard getting a winning session together with this shit happening non-stop...
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450650 - wow, I'm not in this hand, but here is an example of some baaaaad poker.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450788 - here, might as well show one I played well and didn't get screwed on. I guess I have to make my opponent drawing dead to win. I felt pretty confident about how I played this one while it was happening. He sure makes a horrible play...
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450657 - about par for the course when I 3-bet pre-flop. I could have bet more on flop, but I guess I want the call here anyway. This is how i play hands when my confidence sucks, but i guess i saved money. Shrug. I could have folded river, but he really sucker bet it.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450672 - another set down the drain. i'm 82% to win this. Sigh. So ugly.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450686 - holy crap, is this a joke? Please tell me it's a joke.

I had a huge fish on one table (the guy who cracked my AA with T8 allin preflop), so I kept playing even though it was the last thing I felt like. I couldn't catch him and watched my chips (and chips from a couple others he screwed) dwindle away, then bust as he made a retarded complete drawing dead bluff against AA for his whole stack. Then I had 77 lose to a short-stacks 33 all-in pre-flop, and I quit. Found some fish on Party tonight, which is nice, but I can't beat even them. I'm far too frustrated to play anymore tonight.

Here, feel like another crappy graph? Gee, can you tell where the beats started (specifically the two T8 ones)? Though I may have gotten a little tilty, I think I mostly kept it together, but just didn't win another hand after that. The graph shows me as down $2,400, but it was more like $2,050 (some hands were lost or had errors I guess).

I've played enough poker now and feel I'm professional enough NOT to lose my mind everytime things are going badly. I get upset, yah, but only briefly. However, instead, I now just sort of get depressed about it. I feel defeated and pessimistic. I wish I didn't, I would shut it off if I had a switch.

Down about $15k in September and it just started! So, with my confidence in the toilet, I think I need a little break. I might jump on here and there, but only if I really feel like playing, and considering how I've felt the past couple days, I don't think that'll happen often. I have a ton to do including house projects and most importantly, my real estate course. I need to get my act together with that and if I'm not playing poker I will get to it.

The past couple weeks I've been hearing about horrible things going on in the lives of many people I know (some of them very close to me). Sickness, death, and cancer all over the place. It's pretty damn scary and makes life feel so...volatile. Not to be cliche, but it really puts things in perspective. I've said to some of them I'm sending all the good Karma I can muster their way, so I guess if that's leaving me a little short on the poker tables, I won't complain.

So, basically, fuck poker, it's not my friend at the moment. I might forgive it soon, but grudgingly. I'll play when I feel like it, and like I said, that might not be much in the next couple weeks or longer. My brain and emotions are...tired. It's really hard to get up the motivation to write these blog entries too when I'm just talking/whining about losing all the time. I guess I find it a little therapeutic, sort of. Well, not really, I'm still annoyed as hell.

But, on a good note, congratulations to Michelle & John Angst on their wedding last Saturday. My son was the ringbearer and the whole night was a blast. Good times. Also, congrats to our friend's Meleyna & Jordan Bighorn on their awesome new baby boy Maleyk (spelling might be wrong). My boy is not even 2 years old, but you forget how freakin' small newborns are!

On another good note, I think I may have bought a new car to replace the Camaro! It's an 2003 Infiniti G35:

http://1st-class-imports.ebizautos.com/detail-2003-infiniti-g35-sedan-2092251.html

It's listed at $18k, but I think we have a deal at $16,800. It's not official or finalized yet, so we'll see. The catch is, it's in Cleveland, Ohio. My plan is to one-way fly there on Oct 19th before I go to Canterbury, then drive it the 10 hours from Cleveland to Shakopee, MN (where Canterbury Park is) for the tournaments. Hope the deal goes through because I love the car, and I'll probably save at least $7k compared to comparable vehicles in Winnipeg. Browsing around US dealerships I really noticed how much lower the prices are than in Winnipeg.

So, yah, that's it for now.

Summary: blah blah blah, losing, blah blah blah, it sucks royally, blah blah blah, life is still good though, blah blah blah, congratulations other people on their happy stuff, blah blah blah, new car, blah blah blah, bye.

EDIT: 5 minutes after finishing my entry I found a really fishy $25/$50 short-stacking table on party. Jump on and did this:

http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450868 - lose this coinflip on first hand, nice call J9. Thinking this was a bad idea right away...
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450870 - this guy sucks. Get paid with AA. Then, two hands later:
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450871 - ship it with AA again versus same guy.
http://www.pokerhand.org/?1450874 - my 88 help up this time. quads are fun.

The shortstack fishes left, so I quit. Made back $2600 in 40 hands (majority of profit in first 18 hands), so I'll take it. Might keep an eye on those $25/$50 tables for some of those same players. They were purely gambling.

Here, in case you've forgotten, this is what a winning graph looks like (as short as it may be).